


Dinner Impossible

by AquaQuadrant



Category: Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero
Genre: Humor, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Silly, cartoonish violence, inspired by prismasandpie, not meant to be taken too seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:29:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4406435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AquaQuadrant/pseuds/AquaQuadrant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Penn wasn't sure what was more deadly; Rippen, or Aunt Rose's tuna casserole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dinner Impossible

Penn Zero was a simple guy with simple needs.

He understood that not everything revolved around him, and was generally good at ‘going with the flow’. Growing up, he was the least high-maintenance kid around, and that trait stuck with him as he matured. So when he had to go live with his Uncle Chuck and Aunt Rose, he only had three requests.

One: Don’t ask him to look after The Chinchilla. 

Two: Don’t _ever_ expect him to eat tuna casserole.

And Three: Don’t bother him after a particularly grueling mission.

It just so happened that on this particular Friday night, Penn was in his room recovering from a particularly grueling mission. He was doing so in his usual manner; face down on his bed and listening to music as he let his mind and body rest, sore from the demands of the earlier mission.

“Penn? Come down here a sec, would ya?”

There went number three.

Penn yanked his ear buds out, annoyed. He _just_ got settled. If Uncle Chuck asked him how to send an email one more time, Penn was going to lose it. (The send button is _right there,_ how could you miss it?!?)

With a groan, Penn peeled himself off his bed and dragged himself downstairs.

“Alright, I’m here.” He turned into the kitchen, trying not to sound impatient. “What did you need me to.... uh, guys?”

Aunt Rose and Uncle Chuck were gathered solemnly around the kitchen table, staring at a sheet of paper Penn recognized instantly, his stomach dropping.

Uh oh. Report cards had gone out today.

“Okay, guys, it’s not what you think,” Penn said quickly, his mind scrambling for what the problem might be because he thought he was doing well in all his classes, what was going on? “I- I can explain-”

“Calm down, Penn, you’re not in trouble,” Aunt Rose said gently.

“Yeah, buddy, your grades are excellent,“ Uncle Chuck reassured him.

“Oh.” That was a relief. “Then... what’s the issue?”

“Well, you see...” Aunt Rose drummed her manicured nails on the table. “You.. might be... sort of, um... failing art class?”

Was that it?

“Oh, that?” Penn laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah, not surprised there.”

“What’s the matter, Penn?” Uncle Chuck asked. “You usually do so well in school.”

“Are you having trouble?” Aunt Rose wrung her hands together worriedly. “We know this semester’s been hard, since your parents... well, you know... but-”

“No, you guys, it’s fine.” Penn waved off their concerns. “Art’s fine, okay? Ri- my teacher just hates me, that’s all.”

His relatives stared at him in shocked silence.

In those few seconds, it occurred to Penn that having a teacher hate you so much they gave you unfair grades might seem absolutely horrible to someone who didn’t have their arch nemesis for an art teacher.

“Penn, that’s just awful!” Aunt Rose cried out.

“Unbelievable! I won’t stand for this!” Uncle Chuck exploded.

“No, you guys, it’s fine!” Penn held his hands up. “Really, I don’t care, it’s not that big a deal-”

“Not that big a deal?!” Aunt Rose gasped. “Penn, this teacher is treating you unfairly!”

“Why, I’ve got half a mind to call your school right this instant!” Uncle Chuck said crossly.

Penn's heart jolted in alarm. “What?! No, no, no, don’t make this a thing!” he said. “You don’t need to call the school, seriously, I’m fine!”

“You know, Chuck, I think Penn’s right.” Aunt Rose put a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “We shouldn’t call Penn’s school.”

Ah, yes, thank you-

“I’ve got an even better idea! We’ll kill him with kindness- invite him over for dinner tomorrow!”

Wait, _what?_

Uncle Chuck rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Hmmm, now _that_ sounds like a great idea, Rose!” he beamed. “We can get out the silk tablecloth and the good china, do it up _real_ nice!”

OH NO.

“Oh no, no, no, no, you can’t do that!” Penn protested. “He can’t come _here_ , he’ll kill me!”

Aunt Rose pursed her lips. “Now, Penn, I know you and this teacher have your issues, but I’m sure he’s a good and reasonable man,” she chided him. “You can be civil, can’t you?”

“But you don’t understand,” Penn stressed. “I will literally _DIE_ if you bring him here!”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Penn,” Uncle Chuck chastised him. “I’ll go send him an email now.”

“No, wait, don’t-”

“Oh! I know the perfect thing to make!” Aunt Rose clapped her hands together in excitement. “My famous _tuna casserole!”_

Aaaaannndd..... there went number two.

~

“Rippen-”

“No.”

“C’mon, Rippen, _please?”_

“NO, absolutely not!”

“It’ll be tons of fun!”

Rippen stared at Larry in disgust. “Exactly what part of sharing dinner with your obnoxious part-time arch nemesis could possibly be considered _fun?!?”_ he demanded. “And how on earth did you find out about it, anyways? I never told you about the invitation.”

Larry shrugged. “Oh, I just checked your email.”

“Well, alright then- wait, what?” Rippen stared at his co-worker in horror. “You hacked into my email account?!”

Larry chuckled. “No, silly, I didn’t _hack_ into your account. The password wasn’t that hard to guess,” he said cheerfully. _“Rippen: Full-Time Villain?”_

Rippen rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “... alright, I’ll give you that one,” he admitted. “But there is _no way_ I’m going to dinner with Penn Zero! It’s just not happening!”

“Rippen, do you remember when the power grid went out and work was cancelled so I invited everyone over to my house?” Larry asked. “And even though he didn’t have to, Penn convinced his friends to come? And you had a great time that day because Penn let you find my little Tony first?”

“Yes, Larry, I- wait, Penn didn’t let me beat him!” Rippen protested. “I won fair and square!”

“Okay, whatever you say.” Larry smiled knowingly. “My point is, if you hadn’t come that day, you would have missed out, right?”

“I.. I suppose...” Rippen grumbled. “But-” 

“And besides, if we don’t do something, Penn’s aunt and uncle might get the administrative board involved.” Larry had slipped into his rare _‘Remember, in this dimension I’m the boss of you’_ voice, though he was still smiling. “You could get fired!”

Rippen winced. “I’m aware of that.”

“Part-time villainy doesn’t pay the bills,” Larry reminded him. “But of course, you’d be more than welcome to stay with _me,”_ he beamed.

Rippen’s eyes widened in terror at the thought of living in the same house as Larry. “You know what, Larry, you’re absolutely right,” he said quickly. “Yes, of course, I’ll go sort this out, don’t you worry about it one bit! In fact, I’ll go accept their invitation right now!”

“Yay!” Larry clapped. “We’re going to have so much fun!”

“Wait, _we?”_ Rippen frowned. “Hang on a second, who said _you_ were going?”

“Me. Just now,” Larry grinned. “I’ll pick you up at 5:30 and we can head over to Penn’s house from there. And don’t worry, I’ll bring the gift basket. We want to make a good impression. Which scented candle do you think Penn would like best, lavender or sandalwood?”

This was going to be the longest dinner of Rippen’s life.

~

There was only an hour left until Rippen was supposed to arrive, and Penn was in full panic mode.

He hadn’t been able to talk his aunt and uncle out of it. The more he protested, the more determined they seemed, so eventually he was forced to give up and accept defeat; but not without calling in some backup first.

Penn paced his room, listening to his cellphone ring.

“C’mon, Boone, _please_ pick up....”

There was a click.

_“Hey, Penn.”_

Yes!

“Boone! I need you over here ASAP, okay buddy? My aunt and uncle invited _Rippen_ over for dinner!”

_“Woah, really? That sucks.”_

_“Yeah,_ it does.” Penn clutched the phone to his ear, running his other hand through his hair. “I need your help! Rippen’s gonna kill me!”

_“Relax, dude. Rippen never tries to hurt us at school.”_

“That’s because there are too many witnesses!” Penn exclaimed.

_“What makes you so sure he won’t try and kill us both?”_

“Because it’d be too _obvious,”_ Penn said impatiently. “If it was just me, he could make it look like an accident, set the house on fire or something, but if it was _both_ of us, Phyllis would get suspicious.”

__

“Why don’t you ask Sashi?”

__

“Are you joking?! I hate Rippen, sure, but I don’t want to _kill_ the guy!” Penn pinched the bridge of his nose. “Come on, Boone, it has to be you.”

__

“I don’t know...”

__

“We're having tuna casserole.”

__

“Be there in five!”

__

Got him.

__

“What’s the dress code? Formal, semi-formal, business casual? Please tell me it’s not black-tie formal, my tux is still at the dry cleaners-”

__

“Casual is fine!” Penn interrupted him. “Just get over here as fast as you can!”

__

“Got it! See ya in a few!”

__

Click.

Penn breathed a sigh of relief and flopped onto his bed. Maybe he’d survive this after all.

~

At 5:50, the doorbell rang.

“Penn, honey, would you get that?” Aunt Rose called from the kitchen. “Chuck’s still setting the table.”

Penn and Boone exchanged a nervous look. Up until this point, Penn had been hoping Rippen would be a no show and that all his worrying would be for nothing. Unfortunately, it seemed like fate was not on his side.

Steeling himself, Penn took a deep breath and opened the door.

“Hi Penn!” Larry waved at him, a gift basket in the crook of his arm. Rippen stood next to him scowling, his arms folded.

“Larry?” Penn blinked. “Uh, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here for your dinner party, of course!” Larry nudged Rippen with a wink. “We’re going to have so much fun!”

“Um, you guys know dinner is at six, right?” Penn stepped to the side to let them in, closing the door behind them. “You’re early.”

“I’m fully aware of that,” Rippen sniffed. “Larry wanted to make sure we weren’t late.”

“Oh man, is that Larry?” Boone asked from the couch. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Boone! Good to see you.” Larry smiled. “I brought a gift basket!”

“Awesome!” Boone cheered.

Larry made himself at home and settled onto the couch. Penn sat down next to Boone, leaving Rippen standing awkwardly.

“Penn, look at all this!” Boone was rummaging through the gift basket. “There’s a complete set of lotions, a box of chocolate, and a coupon for a 25% discount off of a fruit bouquet. Look, there’s even a scented candle. Lavender, your favorite!”

“Uh, thanks Larry.” Oddly specific gift basket aside, Penn was thankful for the small man’s presence. Whenever Larry was involved, Rippen’s chances of killing him dropped by 72% (he’d done the math).

“See, Rippen? I told you lavender was his favorite!” Larry said happily.

“Yes, how foolish of me,” Rippen deadpanned, picking at his nails.

Just as an awkward silence was about to settle in, Uncle Chuck and Aunt Rose appeared.

“Ah, is this the man of the hour?” Uncle Chuck shook Rippen’s hand, taking the villain by surprise. “I’m Chuck, and this is my wife Rose.”

“Please to meet you, Mr...?” Aunt Rose’s smile became strained as Rippen not-so-subtly tore his hand free from Uncle Chuck’s grip.

“Rippen,” Penn supplied. “And this is the principal, Mr. Wilmore,” he added, gesturing to Larry.

“Please, call me Larry.” The shorter of the two villains hopped up from his seat and shook both host’s hands. “You two have a _lovely_ home. I just adore your window treatments.”

“Why, thank you.” Aunt Rose blinked, pleasantly surprised. “Come in on and wash up, dinner’s just about ready.”

“I hope you like tuna casserole,” Uncle Chuck said with a wink.

“It’s one of my favorites!” Larry grinned.

Rippen rolled his eyes in a dramatic and exaggerated fashion. Penn was starting to think that this could actually turn out alright.

Honestly, he should’ve known better.

~

Dinner started out as awkwardly as one would expect.

Rippen was clearly just as uncomfortable around Penn as Penn was around him. And if the faces he was making were any indication, he hated tuna casserole as much as Penn did. Unless it was just Aunt Rose’s cooking.

Usually Penn wasn’t picky about Aunt Rose’s dreadful food, but tuna casserole was the one dish guaranteed to turn his stomach. He was currently surviving off of bread rolls and hoping his relatives wouldn’t notice.

Boone was, as expected, digging in with gusto. Penn envied his iron stomach.

“So, Mr. Rippen...” Uncle Chuck was the first to initiate conversation. “How long have you been teaching?”

“Far too long,” Rippen muttered. When everyone stared at him, he seemed to realize he’d spoken out loud. “For a few years, that is,” he said quickly.

“If I recall correctly,“ Aunt Rose tapped her nails on the table, “Penn gave you a very nice review for teacher assessments, is that right, Penn?”

Penn threw Rippen a challenging look. “That’s right,” he grinned. “He won Teacher of the Month.”

“Right, right...” Aunt Rose smiled her least sincere smile. “So I’m just a tiny bit confused here... Penn seems to be excelling at every class except yours. Now, how is that?”

“Well, teachers can’t play favorites, now can they?” Rippen’s lip curled back in a garish smile.

“But they can play _least_ favorites...” Penn said under his breath.

Rippen narrowed his eyes at Penn, who took the opportunity to kick him under the table. The villain bit back a yelp of pain, covering it with a cough.

“Well, Mr. Rippen, is Penn having a hard time with art?” Uncle Chuck asked, oblivious. “Is there anything we could do to help?”

“No-”

Another kick.

If looks could kill, Penn would be dead twice over. But he was confident now that Rippen wouldn’t do anything, which was making him bold.

“Penn’s _problem_ is that he doesn’t take direction, and refuses to follow the curriculum.” Rippen exhaled heavily though his nose, gritting his teeth in a scowl. “As far as art is concerned, he’s unteachable.”

“Well, maybe you’re just a terrible teacher!” Penn retorted. He honestly didn’t care about the stupid grade, but for Rippen to make excuses like that rubbed him the wrong way.

The table was awkwardly silent again, except for the sound of forks scraping plates and Boone texting under the table.

“This is just delicious!” Larry spoke suddenly, wearing a charming smile. “Best tuna casserole I’ve ever had. You know, the secret to a good tuna casserole is getting the freshest fish you can! Why, I remember this one time I went out to one of those fancy seafood places where they have the live fish there, and picked out my own! They were the smallest tuna you’d ever seen, and they were all sorts of pretty colors. I had just loaded the cooler into my car when a police officer said _‘Sir, those fish are not for sale’_ and I said _‘Well, why are they in a fish store then?’_ and he said _‘This isn’t a fish store, it’s an aquarium, and how did you even break in?’_ and they took my picture and put it on the special ‘Do Not Admit’ wall, and now whenever I go there I get a free ride from a police officer. Ah, I just love seafood.”

“Yes, thank you Larry.” Rippen rubbed his temples like he was warding off a headache. “Where is your bathroom?”

“Down the hall, to the left,” Uncle Chuck said, slightly taken aback.

Rippen excused himself and practically ran for the hallway.

~

Boone was fairly certain he was the only person besides Larry actually enjoying dinner.

He loved tuna casserole, in any form, and watching Rippen squirm was greatly amusing. In fact, he was in the process of telling Sashi all about it over text.

_‘oh man sashi, i wish u were here rn!!’_

_‘why? where are you’_

_‘having dinner at penns, he keeps kicking rippen under the table and his face is PRICELESS XD’_

_‘WHAT WHY IS RIPPEN THERE’_

_‘relax penns aunt and uncle invited him 4 dinner, they just think hes penns art teacher and r bugging him abt a bad grade’_

In hindsight, Boone should have been concerned when Sashi didn’t reply to his last text, but he just assumed she was busy. And Aunt Rose had just offered seconds on tuna casserole, and he wasn’t missing out on _that._

So really, he couldn’t be held entirely responsible for what happened next.

~

It was painfully clear to Penn how much of a disaster dinner was turning out to be.

His only saving grace was Larry, who was effectively distracting his aunt and uncle with conversation. They were all reminiscing fondly over stories from when they were younger.

“Yeah, I used to be a bit of a rebel,” Uncle Chuck was saying. “I was always in some kind of trouble. What about you?”

Larry smiled. “Oh, no, my personality and worldview has remained constant throughout my entire life,” he said. “Why, I remember being like this even as far back as _kindergarten!_ There was this one time-”

Penn tried to tune them out and ignore Rippen’s excessive glaring. Since neither of them were really eating, they were just sitting across from each other, doing absolutely nothing, and it was driving Penn crazy.

So he kicked Rippen again.

The villain returned fire this time, landing a hit on Penn’s shin.

Penn retaliated with both feet, and Rippen had to bite his thumb to keep from yelling.

They glared at each other, filled with animosity but loathe to start up the kicking war again.

“Hey, Penn?” Boone tapped his shoulder. “Are you gonna eat your casserole?”

“All yours, pal.” Penn pushed his plate over to his friend. “Honestly, I don’t even like-”

The front door exploded in a burst of flame.

Sashi flipped into the room, lept onto the table, and round-house kicked Rippen right out of his chair.

“You’ve got some nerve, villain!” Sashi snarled, aiming a large and impressive weapon at his head. “If you hurt _one_ hair on Penn’s head, I’ll rip yours clean off!”

“Sashi, stop!” Penn cried out in alarm. “What... is _that?”_ he asked, pointing at the bulky gun in her hands.

“Phyllis gave it to me for emergencies,” Sashi explained, her aim still trained on Rippen. “Is this not an emergency?”

“Phyllis gave you a _flamethrower?!”_ Penn demanded. “Oh, come on, that’s not fair, why don’t _I_ get a flamethrower?”

“Oh, hey, Sashi!” Boone grinned. “Nice of you to drop by. You didn’t want any tuna casserole, did you? Because I just ate the last of it.”

“Mr. Rippen, are you okay?” Uncle Chuck rushed from his seat to help the villain up.

“Penn? Sashi? What is the meaning of this?” Aunt Rose screeched.

“Um...” Penn rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Okay, guys, I can totally explain, alright?”

_“Mr._ Rippen?” Sashi narrowed her eyes. “But that’s what we call him... at... school....” The realization dawned on her, and she gasped. “Oh, you mean- they thought- and he was- you were- _oh.”_ Sashi hid the flamethrower behind her back and tried for a smile.

“Penn, Sashi, explain, _now,”_ Aunt Rose said sternly.

Penn and Sashi exchanged a look.

“Should we tell them?”

“I don’t think we have a choice.”

“Okay.” Penn took a deep breath. “So, Aunt Rose, Uncle Chuck, you guys know how I have that part-time job after school?”

“Penn, not here!” Aunt Rose said quickly, glancing at Larry and Rippen.

“No, it’s okay, they both know,” Penn explained. “They’re part-time villains.”

Uncle Chuck let Rippen drop to the floor again. “You mean?” He pointed at Larry in confusion.

“Yes, he’s a part-time minion,” Sashi said.

“So they’re-”

“Yes,” Penn nodded, “we’re sworn enemies. That’s why he was failing me in art.”

“That,” Rippen pushed himself to his feet with a groan, “and the fact that you’re terrible at it.”

“Am not!” Penn retorted.

“Well, this is a predicament,” Aunt Rose said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. “This F in art is a blemish on Penn’s otherwise perfect report card. Isn’t there anything we can do?”

“No,” Rippen sneered.

“Now, Rippen,” Larry said, patting the villain’s shoulder kindly. “You have to admit, it’s not very fair.”

Rippen shot him an affronted look. “Who cares about fair?! I’m a _villain,_ for goodness sakes!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “I can’t give him an A, Larry, just _look_ at him!”

“Well, were all his projects _really_ worth an F?” Larry asked gently.

“What? Well, no, I suppose not....” Rippen admitted begrudgingly. “But-”

“Maybe we can come to a compromise,” Uncle Chuck said. “How about this? You raise Penn’s grade to... say... a C plus, and we’ll let you stay for dessert.”

Rippen’s face turned even greener. “I’ll give him a B minus as long as you _never_ invite me over again.”

“Deal.”

“Come on, Larry, let’s get out of here, this family is crazy!” Rippen grabbed Larry by the arm and made a break for the exit.

“Thank you for your hospitality!” Larry called on their way out.

There was a long pause.

Sashi coughed into her fist and jumped off the table. “I’m so sorry about the mess,” she said, glancing away. “I thought Penn was in danger.”

Uncle Chuck exchanged a look with Aunt Rose before sighing. “That’s alright, Sashi,” he told her. “You’re a good friend, and an even better sidekick.”

“Thanks.” Sashi blushed.

“I’m sorry this happened, you guys,” Penn said. “You were just trying to help me, so thanks. I.. I probably should’ve told you before, and we could’ve avoided this whole mess.”

“Oh, it’s alright Penn.” Aunt Rose smiled. “It certainly makes a lot more sense, now. I mean, how could anyone other than a villain hate that face?”

“Thanks, Aunt Rose,” Penn said flatly.

“But I do have one question...” Aunt Rose knit her brows together. “Is my cooking really bad enough to make a grown man flee into the night?”

“Nah, that was all Sashi,” Penn grinned.

“Yeah, your cooking’s awesome!” Boone pumped his fist in the air.

Aunt Rose looked pleased. “Well, maybe I should make tuna casserole more often,” she said.

Uh oh.


End file.
